Buhay Ako.

Original:
January 9, 2008
Tahanan ni Sta. Monica
Tagaytay
5:25pm



Breathing excercise. Nice. Inhale, exhale. Simple diba? Pero swak. Ewan. Basta ang alam ko, sakto. Saktong sakto. Just when I needed it the most.

Ito yata yung nakalimutan kong gawin this past few days eh. No, not literally of course. Siguro nakalimutan ko yung simpleng paghinga nang walang iniisip na kahit anong problema. Nakalimutan ko yung simpleng katahimikan na kailangang-kailangan ko. Nakalimutan ko lahat. Siguro dahil nasaktan ako ng sobra kaya napilitan akong kalimutan ang lahat.

Retreat namin ngayon. Emotional breakdown na naman. Ganun pa rin ang dahilan. Siya pa rin ang dahilan. Lagi naman eh.

Breathing excercise. Tahimik. Hangin lang ang naririnig ko. Pero maliban sa hangin, narealize ko na ang dami ko pa palang ibang puwedeng marinig. Lahat-lahat. Kahit ayaw kong pakinggan.

Strong realizations. Sabi ko na eh. Right timing ang retreat. Malayo sa kanya. Malay mo nga naman diba? Pag-uwi ko bukas, baka ok na ako. Baka sakaling makuha ko na yung gabi-gabi kong ipinagdarasal.

Peace of mind.

Then suddenly, God touched my heart. Parang sinasabi niya sa akin na nandito siya para sa akin. Kahit iwanan ako ng lahat. Nandito lang siya. And I know that He'll forever be with me. Naghihintay lang siya sa kailanganin ko ulit ang tulong niya. I know He will not let me down. Never.

Nasaktan ako.

Yun ang katibayan.

Buhay ako.

Another Day.

I woke up around 11:30am na. Pa'no ba naman, nag-iinternet pa ako hanggang 4am last night, diba? Ayun ang consequence. Late ang gising. As for always.

Nothing special happened today.

Uhm. Yung nanny namin for around two years already, bumalik na siya ng province.

Uhm. Hindi ako sumama sa paghatid, so nag-internet lang ako dito sa bahay mag-isa.

Uhm. Pagbalik nilang lahat galing sa paghatid, binalita nila na nahuli daw sila ng police. Red ligh daw pero pinaandar daw ni tito. Tapos, yung dinahilan daw nila, masakit daw yung tiyan ni Gab, who is by the way seating in the front seat, tapos dadalhin daw nila sa hospital kaya nagmamadali daw sila.

If you will try to look at Gab daw during that time, he doesn't look like he's tummy is aching. He's just six years old by the way and that proves na hindi siya puwedeng mag-artista. Ayun. Hindi naniwala yung policeman. Nagbayad pa tuloy sila.

Aside from that story na nasagap ko lang from everybody pagbalik nila, eh may laban ang Ginebra tonight as they will go up against the Red Bull. Do or die daw ito. Kasi daw, if they lost, wild card na daw sila.

So nanood naman ako nung game. sa tv. at around 7:30pm. And guess what?

THEY WON!

Nice! They are still alive for that QF spot. Whew! At least I can sleep peacefully later.

Or not.

Ateneo College Entrance Test Results will be out TOMORROW.

Oh my! I need prayers! I honestly hope that I made it.

I'll try to check it later sa site. Sana meron na. Para naman makatulog ako ng maayos.

By the way, I'm going to school tomorrow! May something about the Consolette thing daw and we have to go there. Excited ako. Wala lang. Lol.

So ayun. I don't know if I can post another one in here later tonight. Maybe if I will be able to see the ACET results later, then I will.

*I haven't seen him the whole day.

*Was he able to watch the game a while ago?

Haaiii.

I'm crazy. I really am.




Love lots,

Kei.

Nice.

Just want to share this thing to you guys, if ever man may nagbabasa dito.

I got this via text message. And it struck me. As in super.

But don't get me wrong. This not from someone close to my heart. Just from a friend na nangungulet in the middle of the night.

to quote:

"I am asking who you are... not for you to describe yourself."

Tama nga naman.

If you are asked, 'who you are', you are not supposed to answer your self description or something like that.

For instance.

'Who are you?'

You are suppose to answer your name.

But sometimes, nagiging ganito ang reply natin:

'Your friend.'

I don't know if it makes sense. Wala lang.

Pero napansin ko itong quote na ito, because for me, it can be punctuated the other way around. And it means something different.

"I am asking who you are not... for you to describe yourself."

Diba it's something? Kasi in this statement, it's like:

'say to my your weaknesses, for you to know your own strengths.'

Then I realized, that in life, we should learn to accept that we can't have everything we want, so that, we will learn to appreciate what we already have. Yung mga bagay that we are taking for granted.

It's true. Most of the time, we can only realize the real value of something when it's already gone.

Minsan tuloy, naiisip ko,

Do I really have to go far away, for him to realize that I waited for so long?

Nah.

As if he'll realize such thing.

Kahit pa yata nasa kabilang side ako ng world, wala pa rin eh.

So better yet,


Just... forget it.

Forever in My Dream

Nights are old as the stars shimmer,
Empty feelings as your memories linger.
Loneliness and hatred compressed into one,
As I've met you, the lonely battle has began.

My mind against my heart,
As tears fall apart.
Waiting for you with no regrets,
Even if it means total sadness.

In the middle of the night, I cry,
After such experience I've wasted in sigh,
You made my heart feel that you're already the one,
While you were too busy caring for your only one.

Such mistake broke my heart into pieces,
I've missed all your warm hugs and kisses.
But those things were never real,
As you only existed in my dream.

I love you, even though you never cared,
Those stares, those smiles, left me hanging in the air.
I hope I can have all the confidence to say these things to you:
I love you, I hope you'll love me too.

Unspoken.

From the moment I've realized that this is not just a feeling of care
I became lost and scared of what may happen to what I long to share.
Lost to the reality that my dreams of you with me will never be real,
And scared knowing that I've already fallen, and I hate what I feel.

I have a life but not as colourful as I wish,
Still, it is full of doubts and empty feelings.
I closed my eyes to the desire that love will just be around,
But then, I met you, and that made me feel that love is way beyond.

I thought that you, feeling the same way that I do, could be real,
But I just figured out that God only wanted me to feel such thing,
Because even if I continue to hurt myself and go on pretending,
Still, you will not be included in that stupid package deal.

Hopes and dreams that vanished in the velvet sky,
You left my heart with no choice, but cry.
You may see me lonely everyday, but you don't know why,
It's because of your numb feelings, tearing my heart up high.

I am forcing my self not to have you running in my mind,
And I tried to ease the pain that is clashing deep inside.
But I think I've failed as I've already realized,
That I am still here waiting for the pain to subside.

I lost the battle between my mind and my heart,
For I know, right from the start, that you are just a star.
I may still continue loving you without you knowing it,
But I want myself know that you are not worth it.

Letting myself escape the reality that this is not meant to be,
A part of me is still hoping that you can be with me.
Even though there is this little thing called "destiny",
I hope that you will not just remain forever in my memory.

I thought that loving you with all my heart is a big mistake,
But now, I can feel that it is more of a huge risk to take.
I just felt it, without any words, without any reasons,
I think that this is what being in love is all about, after all.